A Reflection by Roy Pearson

This summer, our church reviewed the lives of those who have lived before us as followers of Jesus. We studied some “saints” of the church that we may not remember, like Aelred of Rievaulx. I just read Aelred’s most famous treatise on “Spiritual Friendship”.

n the twelfth century, Aelred of Rievaulx—an English Cistercian monk—wrote a small but enduring work titled Spiritual Friendship. Though centuries old, Aelred’s reflections speak with surprising clarity to the relational hunger, loneliness, and uncertainty that define much of modern life. In a world flooded with social media connections yet starved for genuine companionship, Aelred offers a compelling vision of friendship as a place where God’s love becomes visible.

1. Friendship as a Sacred Calling

Aelred begins with a bold claim: “Here we are, you and I, and I hope that Christ makes a third.”
For Aelred, friendship is not merely a social arrangement or emotional bond—it is a spiritual vocation. When two people intentionally seek the good in one another, Christ is present in their midst.

Today’s Application:
Our culture often treats relationships as transactional or optional. Aelred reminds us that friendship can be holy ground—a place where God shapes us, heals us, and reveals His character. Investing deeply in a few chosen relationships is not selfish or indulgent; it is part of the Christian life.

2. The Difference Between True and False Friendship

Aelred distinguishes “carnal,” “worldly,” and “spiritual” friendships—the first two based on temporary interests, utility, or pleasure, and the last grounded in virtue, honesty, and mutual care. Spiritual friendship is not about what we get, but about the flourishing of the other.

Today’s Application:
In an age of consumer relationships, ghosting, and algorithm-driven interactions, Aelred calls us back to authenticity. Real friends tell the truth in love, remain loyal in hardship, and help one another become more whole. We need friends who call forth our best selves, not simply affirm our impulses.

3. Friendship Requires Discernment

Aelred teaches that spiritual friendship should grow slowly, intentionally, and with wisdom. Trust should be built gradually, rooted in observation of a person’s character, humility, and stability.

Today’s Application:
This speaks powerfully into a world where relationships ignite quickly and break even faster. We often confuse emotional intensity with intimacy. Aelred invites us to pause, observe, and form friendships with discernment. Healthy boundaries and thoughtful pace are not barriers to love—they are its protectors.

4. Vulnerability and Honesty as Pathways to Healing

For Aelred, a true friend becomes a “medicine for life.” Trust, confession, and transparency allow wounds to be exposed and healed. In spiritual friendship, we are known—not merely seen.

Today’s Application:
Loneliness is at epidemic levels, even in crowded places. Many people long for someone they can tell the truth to without fear. Aelred reminds us that friendship thrives where vulnerability is honored. We need companions who allow us to be imperfect and who walk with us toward healing.

5. Friendship as Participation in God’s Love

Ultimately, Aelred sees friendship as a reflection of God Himself—Father, Son, and Spirit—a communion of shared love. Spiritual friendship is not an escape from the world but a witness to what the world can become.

Today’s Application:
In a polarized, suspicious, and divided society, friendship becomes radical discipleship. When Christians practice genuine spiritual friendship—with listening ears, faithful presence, mutual respect, and compassion—they offer an alternative to the hostility that surrounds us.

6. A Call to Build Communities of Friendship

Aelred believed that monasteries—and by extension, Christian communities—should be schools of friendship. People learn how to love by being loved.

Today’s Application:
Churches, small groups, and spiritual communities often speak of fellowship, but many people still feel unseen. Aelred challenges us to create intentional spaces where deep, trustworthy relationships can grow—places where people experience belonging, safety, and God’s tenderness.

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Conclusion: A Vision for Today

From an ancient monastery comes a message our world desperately needs: friendship is one of God’s gifts for transforming the human heart. In a time marked by isolation, fear, and division, Aelred of Rievaulx offers a hopeful vision.

We are not meant to walk alone.
We are meant to seek God together.
And in the presence of a true friend, we catch a glimpse of God’s love on earth.

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