honesty

Spiritual Friendship in a Fractured World: Lessons from Aelred of Rievaulx

The Curious PilgrimLeave a comment

A Reflection by Roy Pearson

This summer, our church reviewed the lives of those who have lived before us as followers of Jesus. We studied some “saints” of the church that we may not remember, like Aelred of Rievaulx. I just read Aelred’s most famous treatise on “Spiritual Friendship”.

n the twelfth century, Aelred of Rievaulx—an English Cistercian monk—wrote a small but enduring work titled Spiritual Friendship. Though centuries old, Aelred’s reflections speak with surprising clarity to the relational hunger, loneliness, and uncertainty that define much of modern life. In a world flooded with social media connections yet starved for genuine companionship, Aelred offers a compelling vision of friendship as a place where God’s love becomes visible.

1. Friendship as a Sacred Calling

Aelred begins with a bold claim: “Here we are, you and I, and I hope that Christ makes a third.”
For Aelred, friendship is not merely a social arrangement or emotional bond—it is a spiritual vocation. When two people intentionally seek the good in one another, Christ is present in their midst.

Today’s Application:
Our culture often treats relationships as transactional or optional. Aelred reminds us that friendship can be holy ground—a place where God shapes us, heals us, and reveals His character. Investing deeply in a few chosen relationships is not selfish or indulgent; it is part of the Christian life.

2. The Difference Between True and False Friendship

Aelred distinguishes “carnal,” “worldly,” and “spiritual” friendships—the first two based on temporary interests, utility, or pleasure, and the last grounded in virtue, honesty, and mutual care. Spiritual friendship is not about what we get, but about the flourishing of the other.

Today’s Application:
In an age of consumer relationships, ghosting, and algorithm-driven interactions, Aelred calls us back to authenticity. Real friends tell the truth in love, remain loyal in hardship, and help one another become more whole. We need friends who call forth our best selves, not simply affirm our impulses.

3. Friendship Requires Discernment

Aelred teaches that spiritual friendship should grow slowly, intentionally, and with wisdom. Trust should be built gradually, rooted in observation of a person’s character, humility, and stability.

Today’s Application:
This speaks powerfully into a world where relationships ignite quickly and break even faster. We often confuse emotional intensity with intimacy. Aelred invites us to pause, observe, and form friendships with discernment. Healthy boundaries and thoughtful pace are not barriers to love—they are its protectors.

4. Vulnerability and Honesty as Pathways to Healing

For Aelred, a true friend becomes a “medicine for life.” Trust, confession, and transparency allow wounds to be exposed and healed. In spiritual friendship, we are known—not merely seen.

Today’s Application:
Loneliness is at epidemic levels, even in crowded places. Many people long for someone they can tell the truth to without fear. Aelred reminds us that friendship thrives where vulnerability is honored. We need companions who allow us to be imperfect and who walk with us toward healing.

5. Friendship as Participation in God’s Love

Ultimately, Aelred sees friendship as a reflection of God Himself—Father, Son, and Spirit—a communion of shared love. Spiritual friendship is not an escape from the world but a witness to what the world can become.

Today’s Application:
In a polarized, suspicious, and divided society, friendship becomes radical discipleship. When Christians practice genuine spiritual friendship—with listening ears, faithful presence, mutual respect, and compassion—they offer an alternative to the hostility that surrounds us.

6. A Call to Build Communities of Friendship

Aelred believed that monasteries—and by extension, Christian communities—should be schools of friendship. People learn how to love by being loved.

Today’s Application:
Churches, small groups, and spiritual communities often speak of fellowship, but many people still feel unseen. Aelred challenges us to create intentional spaces where deep, trustworthy relationships can grow—places where people experience belonging, safety, and God’s tenderness.

Conclusion: A Vision for Today

From an ancient monastery comes a message our world desperately needs: friendship is one of God’s gifts for transforming the human heart. In a time marked by isolation, fear, and division, Aelred of Rievaulx offers a hopeful vision.

We are not meant to walk alone.
We are meant to seek God together.
And in the presence of a true friend, we catch a glimpse of God’s love on earth.

Order in Mind, Life, and Dress

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When I was a freshman at Free Will Baptist Bible College (now Welch College), Dr. Judy Simpson, my English professor, taught me a lesson that has never left me. She graded our essays not only on grammar but on our ability to organize our thoughts around a theme. She often reminded us, “A messy mind means a messy person, and a messy person means someone who will sweep the dirt in a room under a rug rather than into a dustpan.”

At the time, it seemed like a clever way to encourage her students to write carefully. But in truth, she was pointing to something much deeper: the way we think and the way we live are inseparably connected. Disorder in the mind leads to disorder in the life. Carelessness in thought easily becomes carelessness in action. And dishonesty in small things—like sweeping dirt under a rug—can point to a pattern of avoiding the hard work of living with integrity.

Over the years, I have come to see that this same principle extends into many parts of life, even into how a person dresses. Clothes may seem superficial compared to grammar or moral character, but they, too, reflect something about the state of the mind and the heart.

Dressing well does not mean dressing expensively. It does not require the latest fashions or brand names. What it does require is care. A clean shirt, pressed slacks, a modest dress, polished shoes—these simple acts of order and attention say something about who we are. They say, “I value myself. I respect others. I take seriously the life I have been given.”

On the other hand, when someone constantly presents themselves as sloppy, careless, or indifferent in appearance, it often points to an inward disorder as well. Just as an essay with no structure reveals a wandering mind, and a floor with dust swept under the rug reveals a lack of honesty, so a disheveled and neglected appearance may reveal neglect within.

Of course, clothing alone cannot measure the worth of a person. Some of the poorest have dressed with the greatest dignity, while some of the richest dress with the least respect. The point is not wealth, but intention. Our outward dress can be, in its own way, an essay of the soul. Each day, as we put on our clothing, we are also putting forth a statement: This is how I choose to carry myself in the world.

Dr. Simpson was right—discipline of mind shows itself in every corner of life. In our writing, in our homes, in our work, and even in how we dress, order and care reflect the deeper truth of who we are. To live with honesty, integrity, and clarity is to refuse to sweep life’s dust under the rug, but instead to face it, clean it, and carry ourselves with respect.

A Biblical Reflection

Scripture often uses clothing as a symbol for character. Paul writes, “Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience” (Colossians 3:12). Peter exhorts believers not to rely merely on outward adornment but to cultivate “the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight” (1 Peter 3:4).

These words remind us that while outward neatness and order matter, they are ultimately signs of an inward clothing that is far more important. Each morning, as we put on our garments, we are also invited to put on Christ—to let His character cover us and shape us. Clean clothes can reflect a clean conscience, but only when we live truthfully before God.

So whether in our essays, our homes, our dress, or our relationships, the call is the same: to live as people of integrity, who do not hide life’s dust under the rug but who face it with honesty, humility, and the grace of Christ.