One of the unexpected gifts of my spiritual journey has been discovering the writings of Aelred of Rievaulx. Though he lived nearly nine hundred years ago, his words feel surprisingly fresh and relevant to our own day.
Aelred is best known for his book Spiritual Friendship. In it, he presents a vision of human relationships that is both simple and profound. His message can be summarized in a few statements:
- Love is holy.
- Friendship is sacred.
- Human beings need one another.
- Isolation is spiritually dangerous.
- God is encountered in relationship.
As I have reflected on his writings, I have realized how deeply they resonate with my own journey of faith.
For much of my life, religion was often presented as a matter of believing the right doctrines, following the right rules, and avoiding the wrong behavior. While those things have their place, I have come to believe that the heart of the Gospel is relationship.
Life is relational.
We are created for relationship with God, with one another, with ourselves, and with all creation. When those relationships are healthy, we flourish. When they become distorted through fear, prejudice, violence, greed, or self-centeredness, we suffer.
That is why I was struck by the definition of sin in the Book of Common Prayer: “the seeking of our own will instead of the will of God, thus distorting our relationship with God, with other people, and with all creation.”
Aelred understood this long before those words were written.
He believed friendship is one of God’s greatest gifts because it teaches us how to love. Friendship becomes a school where we learn patience, forgiveness, humility, compassion, honesty, trust, and self-giving.
Aelred described a progression in friendship:
First comes attraction or affection.
Then trust begins to grow.
As trust deepens, virtue and honesty emerge.
Friendship becomes spiritual companionship.
Finally, friendship leads us toward union in God’s love.
I find this progression beautiful because it mirrors so much of life itself. Every meaningful relationship begins with a simple connection. Over time, trust is built. Walls come down. We share our joys and sorrows. We discover who we truly are. We help one another become better people.
In that process, we encounter God.
This may be one reason Aelred’s writings continue to speak powerfully to many people today, including many within the LGBTQ+ community. In a world where loneliness is epidemic and where relationships are often reduced to transactions, Aelred reminds us that genuine friendship is sacred. Deep affection, mutual care, and faithful companionship are not threats to the spiritual life; they are often the very means through which God reaches us.
Our culture is more connected than ever through technology, yet many people have never felt more isolated. We communicate constantly but often struggle to be known. We have hundreds of online contacts but few trusted companions.
Aelred would likely see this as a spiritual crisis.
He understood that isolation slowly diminishes the soul. Human beings were not created to walk alone. We need people who know our stories, challenge our assumptions, celebrate our victories, sit with us in grief, and remind us that we are loved.
When I look back over my own life, I see that God has often come to me through people. Through family members. Through friends. Through pastors and teachers. Through fellow pilgrims who walked beside me during times of doubt, failure, grief, and discovery.
I see this every Sunday when I gather around the Eucharistic table.
The table reminds us that nobody journeys alone. We come as wounded people seeking grace. We come carrying questions and burdens. We come needing one another. At that table, we discover that belonging precedes understanding and that love comes before certainty.
Perhaps that is Aelred’s greatest gift to us.
He reminds us that the Christian life is not primarily about mastering religious information. It is about learning how to love.
Friendship becomes a school of love.
Love becomes a pathway to God.
And in the company of trusted companions, we discover that Christ has been walking beside us all along.
As Aelred famously wrote:
“Here we are, you and I, and I hope a third, Christ, is in our midst.”
May we all find such friendships.
And may we become such friends to others.
The Curious Pilgrim 
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